SRF Heavy Industries

I’ve consulted with my marketing department, and I’ve been told that if I’m going to be a lwa, then I need a definitive semi-divine aspect and a core set of attributes that set me apart from other lwa on the market. I mean, why would someone invoke me when there already so many other qualified supernatural entities to pester? There must be a clear answer to this question in the future devotees’ minds.

Not trying to be a wise-ass, I came up with a few in an almighty instant:

1. I’m a good deal less imaginary than some supernatural entities.
2. I’m reachable by phone, so you don’t have to embarrass yourself praying in public–though I admit nowadays it just looks like you’re using your Bluetooth headset.
3. I may only return one call in four, but I hear that’s also better than many supernatural entities. Shoot me. I’m a busy man lwa.
4. The usual contents of my pockets may in fact get you out of a death trap, provided you can get me to materialize in there with you. Please note I may not be happy with the circumstance of being summoned into a death trap. Mortal emotions, such as mortal terror, die hard. So to speak.
5. While worship and devotion are cool, I don’t really feel any more need to collect used souls than I do to collect used tampons. Which is to say none at all.
6. I could never possibly condone a hymn that wasn’t also a drinking song. Or a drinking game.

Reply in comments with discussion for what I should recognize as my holy symbols and links to crayon sketches of veves and iconic depictions for me to peruse and possibly approve.

Meanwhile,

[*]