SRF Heavy Industries

AEY, Inc., has an unmarked office in Miami Beach. They also have, or rather had, a contract with the federal government worth nearly $300 million to supply the Afghan Army and police forces with weapons and ammunition.

Crap munitions picked up from crap sources stored in crap boxes in crap warehouses with crap climate control and packed off to a crap war no one gives a crap about. And all you have to do to participate is form a crap corporation and fill out crap forms on a crap website so you can make crap bids on sweet government contracts.

I know how easy it is. I’ve done it. I’m a managing member of an LLC. $100 in a business checking account, a free federal tax ID, $100 in filing the LLC paperwork with the GA secretary of state’s office (includes a business permit in your home county), two hours of filling out forms on a craptastic lowest-bidder-designed vetting website, and now I, too, can apply for a Federal Firearms Permit and get a contract to buy and sell tank munitions and anti-aircraft rounds.

It’s awesome.

All you have to do is make sure you skim your “fuck you” money first and then it doesn’t matter how quickly things go south.

These guys had the luck to manage to have $5,469,668.95 in a Banc of America Investment Services account in order to get things started with the buying and the selling. Or maybe they just had a letter that said that. It’s hard to say. I can write a letter. I’m good at writing.

This article from the New York Times detailing the huge mess the above guys are in is truly inspirational.

Anyway, I now have my foot in the door. Anyone interested in doin’ govmint biznez can feel free to contact me on a less traceable sideband channel. We’ll talk.

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John Downer’s tusk-cams and trunk cams. The pictures speak for themselves.

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Here we have an article from about fifteen days in the future, going by the issue’s publication date.

See, Tom and Nancy are pregnant. But Thomas is the one planning on giving birth.

“To our neighbors, my wife, Nancy, and I don’t appear in the least unusual. To those in the quiet Oregon community where we live, we are viewed just as we are — a happy couple deeply in love. Our desire to work hard, buy our first home, and start a family was nothing out of the ordinary. That is, until we decided that I would carry our child.

“I am transgender, legally male, and legally married to Nancy. Unlike those in same-sex marriages, domestic partnerships, or civil unions, Nancy and I are afforded the more than 1,100 federal rights of marriage. Sterilization is not a requirement for sex reassignment, so I decided to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy but kept my reproductive rights. Wanting to have a biological child is neither a male nor female desire, but a human desire.”

If you want to see what the future is going to be like, even the future a scant two weeks from now, read all three pages.

This is too important not to read.

The next fifty years will screw heavily with what it means to be male or female or human or sentient or … any category at all. It’s already started. Will you last even fifteen minutes into our brand new future?

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Suggestions welcome.

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And now. the show you’ve all been waiting for. The one. The only. The stupendous. Give it up for him, you know you want to. It’s time for, you heard me, it’s time for the Robotic Yul Brynner show. Yay.

Thank you H.A.L.! Draw! HAHAHA! I’m only kidding! I have a sense of humor! HAHAHA! DRAW!

So, Robotic Yul Brynner, let me ask you a question.

Skeletor! Already with the questions?

HAHAHAH! YES! QUESTIONS! YES!

HAHAHA! DRAW!

HAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

So the question?

How’s your dog?

Dog got sick. So.. well…

Draw?

DRAW!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAH!

The Robotic Yul Brynner Show will return after these messages…

Do you suffer from dry itchy skin?

Are your hopes and dream… Shat, man, we can’t do this.

Contracts, Feldawg, contracts. We do the ads, they do the show.

This shit is so fucked up.

Look, we do it this way and then, did you read the contracts?

Hell no, Bill, I just work here.

How do you have any cash?

Good looks.

It ain’t brains. Anyway, we do this one episode for them and we not only get control of the studio but, and don’t tell Zod, we get their pants.

All of them?

H.A.L. doesn’t have pants, but otherwise? Yup.

Do YOUR hopes and dreams seem dry and flaky?

Sing it brother…

We now return to The Robotic Yul Brynner Show, already in progress…

So there’s pity involved?

I pity the Foo’! I done told you that!

But to be precise about it, fleshbag. PRECISE!

I pity them! I pity all the fools!

Thank you for that interesting look at pity, the human heart, the concept of the soul and your new CD “T Sings It His Way”.

Ain’t no jibba jabba on that CD!

HAHAHAH! Jibba! Jabba! JIBBA JABBA THE HUT!

Well, uhhh, no.

You suck!

Excuse me? T. don’t suck!

OH yeah? Wanna go on as plane, wussy boy?

That was a character on a TV show!

Uh huh, so you say. So, wanna?

‘M busy.

Wuss!

Now, Skeletor, don’t torture the guests.

Kneel before the band!

Yes it is time to introduce our next guest!

Yes. I hate you for this job, but yes.

Short straw! Short straw! Short DRAW! DRAW!

I’d play something witty, but you didn’t give me instruments.

I… well… you…

If you say budget problems I’ll heat vision you off at the knees.

Skeletor did the budget! SKELETOR DID THE BUDGET!

I spent it on He-Man dolls.

Why would you buy He-Man dolls?

Go look in the bathroom sometime! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I don’t use the bathroom! I’m not a fleshbag! HAHAHA!

Shatner was right.

Told you!

BACK TO YOUR COMMERCIAL BOX! Go! GO!

I’m going, I’m going.

Take me with…

No.

Fucker. You’ll kneel for this.

Blow me, you garbage bag wearing fool.

I pity Zod!

Me too, T. Me too.

Anyway! Our next guest is author Adam P. Knave! He’s… here… WHY IS HE HERE?

Let’s find out! Bring him out here! Who has the guest?

I have the guest. Here he is. I made sure to keep him in one piece.

Thanks, Ming. You know you’re not such a bad g… urk!

And I’ll hit you in the throat again if you start to insinuate that I’m anything but merciless. Ming. Sans mercy. Dig?

Urk!

Better. There you go, Robotic Yul Brynner. Your guest.

YAY! So all right, why are you here?

Fuck if I know. I got told to come here by Laszlo Xalieri. He said something about a good promotional place, and I decided…

BORING! I AM BORED!

Well…

STILL NOT FUNNY!

I pity this comedy routine.

As I pity all of you fleshbags.

But see, it wasn’t a comedy routine, I was just trying to ex…

Endless prattle! I have an idea for what we should do!

Mmm?

DRAW!

Like with cray…

WITH GUNS! DRAW! EVERYONE DRAW!

You have the only gun, Robotic Yul Brynner.

I have the only WIN!

Right. So I have this new book out.

Does He-Man get killed in it?

No, it’s a collection of…

IT’S BORING!

Let me just…

I HATE IT!

You really need…

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! It’s BORING! A THING THAT IS FILLED WITH BORE! IT’S A DRILL! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

May I?

What, no!

Urk!

Draw.

You’re supposed to say draw first and THEN shoot them.

Ooops. Maybe I’ll get it right next time.

… maybe.

So this book.

Yes. Yes. This… book.

I pity it. Poor trees. They were fools.

Don’t make me…

So what’s it about?

It’s a collection of short stories, called CRAZY LITTLE THINGS.

Does it have me in it?

No.

It should have me in it.

I agree. But it doesn’t.

Robots? At all?

There are, in fact, robots. Also cowboys, killer teddy bears and well… let’s leave it at “more”.

Let’s not!

But…

So do you hate He-Man?

I…

You shot Skeletor. You get to replace him.

You’re kidding.

I have the gun.

HAHAHAHAHAH!

Better.

HAHAHAHAHAH! FUCK HE-MAN!

Much better.

I hate you.

DRAW, MILKMAN DAN! DRAW!

HAHAHAHAH! So, you gonna buy the book?

No.

But you can read the title story for free.

FREE, you say?

FREE! HAHAHAHAHAH! FREE LIKE HE-MAN WON’T BE! HAHAHAHAHAH!

Where… where am I?

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Am I in heaven?

HE-MAN SUCKS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

ALL FLESHY ONES SUCK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I… I am in heaven… HAHAHAHAHA HEAVEN RULES!

Heave… err…. The Robotic Yul Brynner Show will be back after these Messages…

Oh HELL no.

That shit was fucked up.

Beer?

With a side of beer.

You’re on.

And we’re out.

Wondering what the fuck just happened? Go to hellblazer.net and read all the Talking Heads episodes. Talking Heads is a production of Adam P. Knave. Adam P. Knave. The guy who wrote this. The guy what writes Talking Heads episodes. He also wrote CRAZY LITTLE THINGS.

Love. Death. Zombies. Demons. Teddy bears. Figments of your imagination.

Those are just a few of the things waiting for you inside Adam P. Knave’s CRAZY LITTLE THINGS. Horror collides with just about every other genre within reach to help bring his twisted worlds to life. These twelve tales of strangeness include three new stories exclusive to this volume: “Pretty Little Dead Girls,” “Dead Side Story” and “Causing Effect.” Also included are both legendary Mister Binkles tales, as well as the critically acclaimed novella, Crazy Little Thing.

Which is to say I’m on a whirlwind tour of not doing much and not going anywhere, working hard to solve problems that aren’t really problems using tools that no one would mistake for appropriate tools for the job. Which is kinda my actual job these days, so I’m bending my little oath to not work much on this trip.

Over the weekend at the convention, I busted my ass talking to people and selling books and sellling something that no one’s sure what it is, looking around for gold-bearing seams to crowbar open with judicious applications of business plans, incorporation paperwork, and minimalist lines of credit.

For instance, there’s certainly room for an upgrade to SFWA that is not headed by a DMCA-weilding maniac, one that has membership requirements that aren’t mired in the nineteen-sixties, provides actual advice and guidance to its upcoming membership that has never licked a postage stamp in their collective life, one that can offer the hookup for agents and publishers and templates for twenty-first century publishing contracts that understand that books may never actually go out of print ever again, one that can offer a self-funding French-style mutual aid society benefits organization including retirement funds, legal aid, and a healthcare/HMO group that’s actually large enough to do its members some good.

For instance.

The more I look at the sort of emergent life forms that organizations are, the more I see them in terms of the systems that make them up, and the more I see them in terms of the missing pieces they need in order to thrive and be healthy.

This stuff is bone-dry as conversational fare. I’ve been triggering ennui-induced seizures all weekend. I try to make it up by drawing amusing pictures of animals on cocktail napkins. With mixed success. I can’t shake the feeling that I just might make more money (and solve more pressing problems) selling my napkin sketches.

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This just out:

Love. Death. Zombies. Demons. Teddy bears. Figments of your imagination.

Those are just a few of the things waiting for you inside Adam P. Knave’s CRAZY LITTLE THINGS. Horror collides with just about every other genre within reach to help bring his twisted worlds to life. These twelve tales of strangeness include three new stories exclusive to this volume: “Pretty Little Dead Girls,” “Dead Side Story” and “Causing Effect.” Also included are both legendary Mister Binkles tales, as well as the critically acclaimed novella, Crazy Little Thing.

“Adam P. Knave’s collection of short fiction is a grandiose romp through a universe of vast scope and huge imagination – which was startling, because I thought the operative word was ’short’” – Dustin Grovemiller, Managing Editor, the footnote

“This book could be my best friend when I’m in the bathroom. And I’m not just saying that because I’m out of toilet paper, or need a friend to wipe for me.” – Shannon Wheeler, Too Much Coffee Man

“The stories in Crazy Little Things find author Adam P. Knave at his best, offering readers a taste of literary cyanide served with a grin, much in keeping with the spirit of the late, great Robert Bloch.” – Daniel R. Robichaud, HorrorReader.com [Read the full review!]

Embedded in this short story collection is one of the best pieces Knave’s written to date, “Crazy Little Thing”, which is available as a free download. It’s a PDF. I’m pushing for MobiPocket format soon, ‘cuz that’s actually more readable on portable devices.

Keep up-to-date with Adam’s creative cycles at hellblazer.net You won’t regret it.

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See?

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Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile