SRF Heavy Industries

And now. the show you’ve all been waiting for. The one. The only. The stupendous. Give it up for him, you know you want to. It’s time for, you heard me, it’s time for the Robotic Yul Brynner show. Yay.

Thank you H.A.L.! Draw! HAHAHA! I’m only kidding! I have a sense of humor! HAHAHA! DRAW!

So, Robotic Yul Brynner, let me ask you a question.

Skeletor! Already with the questions?

HAHAHAH! YES! QUESTIONS! YES!

HAHAHA! DRAW!

HAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

So the question?

How’s your dog?

Dog got sick. So.. well…

Draw?

DRAW!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAH!

The Robotic Yul Brynner Show will return after these messages…

Do you suffer from dry itchy skin?

Are your hopes and dream… Shat, man, we can’t do this.

Contracts, Feldawg, contracts. We do the ads, they do the show.

This shit is so fucked up.

Look, we do it this way and then, did you read the contracts?

Hell no, Bill, I just work here.

How do you have any cash?

Good looks.

It ain’t brains. Anyway, we do this one episode for them and we not only get control of the studio but, and don’t tell Zod, we get their pants.

All of them?

H.A.L. doesn’t have pants, but otherwise? Yup.

Do YOUR hopes and dreams seem dry and flaky?

Sing it brother…

We now return to The Robotic Yul Brynner Show, already in progress…

So there’s pity involved?

I pity the Foo’! I done told you that!

But to be precise about it, fleshbag. PRECISE!

I pity them! I pity all the fools!

Thank you for that interesting look at pity, the human heart, the concept of the soul and your new CD “T Sings It His Way”.

Ain’t no jibba jabba on that CD!

HAHAHAH! Jibba! Jabba! JIBBA JABBA THE HUT!

Well, uhhh, no.

You suck!

Excuse me? T. don’t suck!

OH yeah? Wanna go on as plane, wussy boy?

That was a character on a TV show!

Uh huh, so you say. So, wanna?

‘M busy.

Wuss!

Now, Skeletor, don’t torture the guests.

Kneel before the band!

Yes it is time to introduce our next guest!

Yes. I hate you for this job, but yes.

Short straw! Short straw! Short DRAW! DRAW!

I’d play something witty, but you didn’t give me instruments.

I… well… you…

If you say budget problems I’ll heat vision you off at the knees.

Skeletor did the budget! SKELETOR DID THE BUDGET!

I spent it on He-Man dolls.

Why would you buy He-Man dolls?

Go look in the bathroom sometime! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I don’t use the bathroom! I’m not a fleshbag! HAHAHA!

Shatner was right.

Told you!

BACK TO YOUR COMMERCIAL BOX! Go! GO!

I’m going, I’m going.

Take me with…

No.

Fucker. You’ll kneel for this.

Blow me, you garbage bag wearing fool.

I pity Zod!

Me too, T. Me too.

Anyway! Our next guest is author Adam P. Knave! He’s… here… WHY IS HE HERE?

Let’s find out! Bring him out here! Who has the guest?

I have the guest. Here he is. I made sure to keep him in one piece.

Thanks, Ming. You know you’re not such a bad g… urk!

And I’ll hit you in the throat again if you start to insinuate that I’m anything but merciless. Ming. Sans mercy. Dig?

Urk!

Better. There you go, Robotic Yul Brynner. Your guest.

YAY! So all right, why are you here?

Fuck if I know. I got told to come here by Laszlo Xalieri. He said something about a good promotional place, and I decided…

BORING! I AM BORED!

Well…

STILL NOT FUNNY!

I pity this comedy routine.

As I pity all of you fleshbags.

But see, it wasn’t a comedy routine, I was just trying to ex…

Endless prattle! I have an idea for what we should do!

Mmm?

DRAW!

Like with cray…

WITH GUNS! DRAW! EVERYONE DRAW!

You have the only gun, Robotic Yul Brynner.

I have the only WIN!

Right. So I have this new book out.

Does He-Man get killed in it?

No, it’s a collection of…

IT’S BORING!

Let me just…

I HATE IT!

You really need…

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! It’s BORING! A THING THAT IS FILLED WITH BORE! IT’S A DRILL! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

May I?

What, no!

Urk!

Draw.

You’re supposed to say draw first and THEN shoot them.

Ooops. Maybe I’ll get it right next time.

… maybe.

So this book.

Yes. Yes. This… book.

I pity it. Poor trees. They were fools.

Don’t make me…

So what’s it about?

It’s a collection of short stories, called CRAZY LITTLE THINGS.

Does it have me in it?

No.

It should have me in it.

I agree. But it doesn’t.

Robots? At all?

There are, in fact, robots. Also cowboys, killer teddy bears and well… let’s leave it at “more”.

Let’s not!

But…

So do you hate He-Man?

I…

You shot Skeletor. You get to replace him.

You’re kidding.

I have the gun.

HAHAHAHAHAH!

Better.

HAHAHAHAHAH! FUCK HE-MAN!

Much better.

I hate you.

DRAW, MILKMAN DAN! DRAW!

HAHAHAHAH! So, you gonna buy the book?

No.

But you can read the title story for free.

FREE, you say?

FREE! HAHAHAHAHAH! FREE LIKE HE-MAN WON’T BE! HAHAHAHAHAH!

Where… where am I?

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Am I in heaven?

HE-MAN SUCKS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

ALL FLESHY ONES SUCK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I… I am in heaven… HAHAHAHAHA HEAVEN RULES!

Heave… err…. The Robotic Yul Brynner Show will be back after these Messages…

Oh HELL no.

That shit was fucked up.

Beer?

With a side of beer.

You’re on.

And we’re out.

Wondering what the fuck just happened? Go to hellblazer.net and read all the Talking Heads episodes. Talking Heads is a production of Adam P. Knave. Adam P. Knave. The guy who wrote this. The guy what writes Talking Heads episodes. He also wrote CRAZY LITTLE THINGS.

Love. Death. Zombies. Demons. Teddy bears. Figments of your imagination.

Those are just a few of the things waiting for you inside Adam P. Knave’s CRAZY LITTLE THINGS. Horror collides with just about every other genre within reach to help bring his twisted worlds to life. These twelve tales of strangeness include three new stories exclusive to this volume: “Pretty Little Dead Girls,” “Dead Side Story” and “Causing Effect.” Also included are both legendary Mister Binkles tales, as well as the critically acclaimed novella, Crazy Little Thing.