SRF Heavy Industries

When I asked my wife what I should put on the front of my website to get people’s attention, she said “breasts.” I briefly considered using hers, and then, even more briefly, considered using my own.

I thought, “I’m trying to be serious here. I’m trying to show I’m a businessman. My writing is my business. Publishing is my business. What’s breasts—hers or mine—got to do with that?”

Plenty, of course. Breasts quite often mean business.

Breasts are dangerous. You can go to jail if you use them wrongly. You can stop traffic. You can cause accidents. You can stop all conversation in a room and then start it back up again. The power of a breast to disrupt order and galvanize opinions is frequently underrated. This totally leaves out their ability to nourish children and other cannibals.

I’m still not certain breasts are appropriate to my marketing strategy, but if they aren’t, maybe it’s my strategy that’s wrong. Especially if “wrong” is the same as “doomed to financial misery.”

For some reason it’s legal for me to show my breasts—which no one wants to see—and it’s not socially acceptable (often to the point of illegality) to display my wife’s breasts—which would amuse a far larger audience. It leads one to think that the more amusing something is, the less likely it is to be legal and/or socially acceptable.

This is often true. Morons and children and cannibals all know this instinctively. But it is relevant? Maybe.

I certainly wouldn’t mind if I could use my art to stop traffic, to cause accidents, to provoke, to galvanize opinions, and/or to occasionally make prudes call the cops. This sounds like something I could make money with as long as I could avoid being arrested.

I’m less certain about nourishing children and other cannibals. While intriguing, that still sounds like someone else’s job.

Regardless, I’m sure there’s something there I could use. If I could just put my finger on it. Or some other potentially amusing portion of my anatomy.