September 25, 2006 · Posted in Everything Else  

This is the entire 5-year run of my TwoHeadedCat column, “Tales from the Third Lobe”. Or perhaps I should say, Tales from the Third Lobe, as it’s more than 135,000 words.

Buy your ticket, get your money’s worth • Who the fuck killed Cain? • Man, That’s Grapefruit • Welcome to the Masquerade • Dr. Leon Cass, MD, PhD, is a Punk Ass Bitch! • Wishing • Vampire Slaying for the Postmodern Goth • Living in Fear of the Deep Fried Monoculture • The Importance of Temptation, by Yours Truly, Agent of Satan • The Pimp of the Perverse • Perspective • Charnel House Meditations • Argument in Favor of the Existence of Legendary Creatures • On Not Blowing Shit Up • One Person CAN Change the World • The International House of Blasphemy (An Equal Opportunity Offender) • Ascension Made Easy • Earth Day and the New Log Ride • Kiddie Poon and the Arc of the Covenant • Tastes Like Chicken • Snake-Oil Dispenser (Batteries Not Included) • Still Life, With Footnotes • The Up-Down-Top-Bottom-Strange-Charm Red-Green-Blue Quark-Antiquark-Blues • More Noise • Millionth Monkey March • DO U WAN2 CYBER?!? • CONFESS-O-MAT • Vidicon Interviews the Ghost of Dick Cheney’s Dead Conscience • How’s the Water? • Nightfall • They Call Me Smoking Boots, Part 1 • Salamaundering • They Call Me Smoking Boots, Part II • How To Be a Shit: A Roadmap for the Unimaginative • Stag-Nation (Part 1 of ??) • Death for the Muses • The Tenebrati • 4% • In Fear of the Fourth Reich • This Is Your Father’s Oldsmobile • The Hearing • Hollow • QnA #16 • Bomb Threat Day • Waving from the Bottom of the Abyss • Recipes for Disaster • A Scorching Case of Public Interest • Embrace the Madness • Night of the Living Television • Meanwhile, Back in the Lab… • Owed to Apathy and Ignorance • Fifty out of Fifty-One • Obscenity Defined • It’s that little punching-bag thing in the back of your mouth. • Writing for a Living Versus Black Market Organ Harvesting • As Sure As the Sun Will Rise Tomorrow • The Socio-Linguistics of Certain Words that Begin with the Letter “M” • Why People Kill One Another • Petty with a Pistol • Soylent Green is Peephole • Still Life with Woodchuck • Today’s article written by Billy, age 8 • Death, death, death, death, and death. In that order. • Vampire Slaying for the Postmodern Goth, Revisited • The Universe Next Door • This note will change your life. • Movie Night • The REAL War on Terror • The Elfland Invasion, or Dr. Atkins Is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Well Myself • King of the Road • Zen and the Artemia nyos • No, Not Dubuque • TUESDAY! TUESDAY! TUESDAY! • Too Early for the Endgame? • Coming Soon: Anything-Can-Happen Day! • The Death of Speculation? • Won’t you guess my name? • All Dressed Up (And These Heels Are Killing Me) • Close Shave Ahead? • Spotted Dick • Relatavistic Relativism • Fact Versus Fiction and the Chimera of Sentience • Join the Majority of One • Portrait of the Artist Wearing a Bib at the Dissection Table • That’s Life • Changing the World Without the Use of High Explosives • Lupercaliflagellisticexpiatatrocious • In Search of the Higgs Bison • Tar Head • This time the woodshed visits you • Kennelly-Heaviside Prayer • In Pursuit of the Drepung Loseling Marching Band • Persistence of Identity • (SELL OUT ARTICLE) Hawk vs. Dove, with a side of Crude • Why We Hate Clowns • The Smoke of the Burning • Wormwood and Crickets • Is There A Dog? • Who the hell is Valerie Plame and why should I care? • October Country • Title Track • Network of Holes, Diet of Poison, Monster of Love • Doom with a View • Vidicon’s Cable Guide to the Afterlife • Did You Feel It? • Unprintable • The Silverback Transformation • Where I am now • Hold On A Second… • Show Me The Way • Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride • Sonata for Lard-Ass and Television in Bacon Minor • The Fortunate Ones • A Sutter Home Companion • Today’s article written by Vidicon’s dog Bacon, age 8 • You Make Me Sick • Elf Shot the Food • Still-Life Parable, With Moral • Castles in the Sand • No boom today. Boom tomorrow. • Quidnam Est Vester Patris: A Review • Worshipers of the Goddess Reason • What’s That Smell? • More Than Less Than Human • The Empress’s New Boots: A parable for older children • The Memory Trick

Contact me for reprint rights should any of these suit any insidious purposes you might have.


September 19, 2006 · Posted in Everything Else