SRF Heavy Industries

Follow this link to footage of the Furries vs. Klingons league bowling tournament held this past weekend in Midtown Atlanta. Many thanks to “El Lebowski Grande” for the recordings.

Luis, Armand and Angel: The three little elves that cost Philippine Judge Florentino Floro Jr. his place on the bench and netted him a request from the Philippines Supreme Court to stop making threats of “ungodly reprisal” in an effort to get his job back. Luis, for instance, is a “king of kings” and an “avenger” as is apparently none too happy that Floro has been kicked out of the courthouse for being a bloody loony. Rumor has it that the families of the Philippines Supreme Court judges have been falling ill and suffering accidents….

Apparently it’s time for me to start hiring a few elves of my own. Not that I particularly need a seat on the bench in the Philippine courts, but being able to threaten my enemies with ungodly reprisals (with a straight face) appeals to me somewhat, as does the promise of extending my healing ministry to the television networks. Hell, it’s working for Floro.

It seems obvious that “Luis”, “Armand” and “Angel” are references to fictional vampires (as opposed to the other kind) from Rice and Wheedon, and are therefore code names. The “king of kings” reference is the real clue, though, hearkening back to the fifteenth, sixteenth and seventeenth century goetic works (c.f., The Lesser Key of Solomon, The Lemegeton and The Steganographia of Trithemius—the last of which is actually a work on cryptography disguised as a work on summoning and compelling angels and demons, but I digress) classifying demonic abilities and heirarchies (now and forever “lowerarchies” in my head, thanks to Pratchett and Gaiman), and is about the only place you’ll find someone with a rank of “king of kings” who will still deign to pick your nose for you.

Anyway, as of this minute, using cryptographic sorcerous techniques left lying around in insufficiently banned books from the tail end of the fifteenth century, I have compelled service from “Smack”, “Cracker” and “Punk”—who will now beat the living shit out of anyone who reads this who does not either XVFFZ LUNVE LCVAX NFF or promise a dollar to my 2008 Presidential Campaign Fund. And be warned: Cracker is a Duke of Emperors or some shit and has certified training as a chiropractor and a dental assistant, so he knows about ungodly reprisals, particularly the ones that involve excruciating pain. (Punk, on the other hand, is an auto mechanic, and he’ll just make sure you get good and screwed on your next car repair. As far as I can tell Smack isn’t good for anything but an unhealthy amount of weight loss and providing a decent jazz soundtrack to the rituals, but you can’t just have two elves. They come in a three-pack, minimum.)

Also also, suck it, Geico Gecko:

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