“I feel like I’ve been taking CRAZY PILLS!!”

A business plan is a document that’s somewhere between fifteen and a billion pages long. Once it is completed, you can use it in a number of ways. You can use it as a set of guidelines for running your business. If you are looking for a loan from a bank or from potential investors to start a new business or take your existing business to a new phase of development, you can, if your business plan contains enough accurate-seeming and waves-of-hopelessness-dissipating information, BLUDGEON THE HOLY FUCK OUT OF YOUR POTENTIAL INVESTORS AND LOAN OFFICERS WITH IT AND SNATCH THE WALLETS FROM THEIR STEAMING BLOODY CORPSES AND MAKE FOR THE AIRPORT BEFORE THE COPS DRAG YOU DOWN BUT IF THEY START SHOOTING FIRST YOU CAN COW THEM BY USING THE BILLION-PAGE BUSINESS PLAN AS A SHIELD BECAUSE NO BULLET ON EARTH CAN PENETRATE A BILLION PAGES and besides you can tell them the damned thing is hollow and contains a bunch of tied up half-naked amputee Down-Syndrome orphans as hostages.

If you do make it to the airport, you can head straight for Kiribati and join the fifty Polynesians that live permanently on Hull Island, transform your business plan into a fishing boat with a bit of Saran Wrap and try live out the rest of your days as the crazy sunburned white man who is the only man in Polynesian tribal memory who gets amusingly murderously violent on too much kava and puts the fear of JESUS CHRIST into the business-plan-eating sharks of the South Pacific, and when global warming raises the ocean levels and submerges the Hull Island atoll, you can invite all the Hull Islanders aboard your BUSINESS PLAN and set sail for Easter Island to stage a full-scale invasion and take the BANKER MOAI GODS back from the fascist Chilean Government, who, in digging their way out from under your soggy BUSINESS PLAN, will accidentally read some of it and out of the kindness of their little fascist hearts loan you half a million American dollars to start a new fucking literature journal that, by the BANKER MOAI GODS, you swear you can turn into a profit-maker.

That’s a business plan.

Also, this.


April 9, 2007 · by xalieri · Posted in Everything Else  


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