SRF Heavy Industries

Running out of money sucks for everybody. Take for example Michele Bachmann, whose recently-ex campaign manager Ed Rollins says her campaign is on the ropes, financially.

Well, that’s a bummer. As terrifying as Bachmann was as a nearly legitimate candidate, it sure was fun to sit around and make bets on what the next truly insane thing to come out of her mouth would be. And to make fun of her probably-gay anti-gay husband and his “pray the gay away” financial investment in science-free counseling.

She claims her campaign is alive and well, but we’ve known for a hundred years that the highest office in the land is bought with dollars, not votes, and that’s why we bother to keep an eye on whose campaigns stay well funded.

Bachmann isn’t the only one who is running out of money. The world’s entire economy, giant Ponzi scheme that it is, has been on the ropes since the first signs of instability in GWB’s first reign. That nasty hit we took in 2008 didn’t help either. The continuation of Reagan’s supply-side economic policies, touted by George H. W. Bush as “Voodoo Economics” doesn’t seem to be helping, since that really depends on there being an atmosphere of growth and investment, and, to be perfectly honest, the absence of a nationwide healthcare scam to fund.

Since science is off the table, and Voodoo Economics doesn’t seem to be working, allow me to suggest another form of magic entirely: NECROPANTS.

Necropants, or nábrók, are a sorcerous item of Scandinavian descent for gathering or generating money, but the instructions are simple. Here they are, borrowed from Museum of Icelandic Sorcery & Witchcraft:

“If you want to make your own necropants you have to get permission from a living man to use his skin after his dead.

“After he has been buried you must dig up his body and flay the skin of the corpse in one piece from the waist down. As soon as you step into the pants they will stick to your own skin. A coin must be stolen from a poor widow and placed in the scrotum along with the magical sign, nábrókarstafur, written on a piece of paper. Consequently the coin will draw money into the scrotum so it will never be empty, as long as the original coin is not removed. To ensure salvation the owner has to convince someone else to overtake the pants and step into each leg as soon as he gets out of it. The necropants will thus keep the money-gathering nature for generations.”

Fairly simple, yes? Stealing coins from poor widows seems a fairly straightforward process with a long-standing tradition in the US, and certainly one that’s in favor with the tax-the-poor/fund-the-rich processes already in place. As for finding male volunteers for waist-down skinning, there are hordes of gay homophobes in politics already who, due to their conflicted natures, really have no need for their nether half at all except for expelling waste, and that’s just simple plumbing.

Bachmann can test this for herself for her campaign before making it a matter of national fiscal policy, seeing as she has all the raw materials ready at hand.

“Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves — or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.”

— Hugh Akston to Dagny Taggart in Galt’s Gulch, Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand

Who could ask for a better endorsement than that?

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